


i shall but love thee better after death

by moonginn



Category: Ghosts (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, But only a little, M/M, Pining, Sensory Overload, adam's only mentioned, cap finds thomas in the lake x, it's only hinted that it's sensory overload but trust me, thomas adhd king!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:15:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27779734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonginn/pseuds/moonginn
Summary: it's all overwhelming, the sheer amount of people in the filming crew, then the captain is eyeing this director fellow, and now lord byron is here. the lake may soothe him.
Relationships: The Captain/Thomas Thorne
Comments: 1
Kudos: 58





	i shall but love thee better after death

**Author's Note:**

> title from 'how do i love thee' by elizabeth barrett browning

No distance can make you heavy:  
you come flying and spellbound,  
and at last, eager for the light,  
poor moth, you are burned to death.  
Blissful Yearning, Goethe

Thomas knew from the moment he met the Captain he would be of interest. Of interest, yet unachievable.

This is the way things went.

In his life, he’d held fancies both for women and men - not very scandalous for a poet of his time. It was taboo, of course, but then he could forever continue on about how he was just experiencing his life; he needed refreshed fuel for his poems after all.

He still thought of poems, in death. The other ghosts never so much as murmured the word. He wasn’t afraid.

He still wrote them in his head. Given, he’d forgotten some over the years - most, in fact. But they always cropped up. Routinely. Bugging him in his death, his pretentiousness, his utter annoyance, the fact he’d never be loved. It wasn’t so much as he wanted to be loved as he needed, like lifeblood, to love. He could pour all his heart and soul into a person, need not care if this desperation was reciprocated.

Although, perhaps that was what shoved them all away. Isabel. George, too. His desperation, the fact he so needed to love and to want a person. He’d been called a creep before. He supposes it’s just the way things went.

Then, the Captain came.

The Captain would hate him. David, his name was, he was stern and serious but tender in fleeting moments. He was puissant, ruling. He needed someone to match his demeanor, not whining, moaning Thomas.

Once the Captain becomes a ghost, Thomas is scared.

Frightened of his opinion on Thomas; frightened what he’ll say to him. It was better when he could admire from afar.

It’s about 80 years having to put up with the Captain’s hatred of him when something flickers.

Alison and Mike are the kindest and most wondrous of people. Alison is a stunning beauty and Mike is loveable in his obliviousness. At last, oh, at long last, he’s got someone to divert his affections from the Captain onto. Alison is absolutely incredible, and, despite the fact his feelings are quite obviously unrequited, he takes comfort in the pity she provides him with. She’s intelligent, her wit astounding, and she doesn’t get annoyed with him as easily. It’s perfect bliss, save for the fact he still has lingering feelings for David. Might they never leave?

Alas, they didn’t, but they didn’t need to. Once in a while, he’d catch the Captain looking at him. On occasion, the Captain was kind to him, kinder than friends are to one another. And at last, eager for the light of the Captain’s love, Thomas confessed. He was burnt to death.

The Captain said he did not reciprocate, and went on for a week with completely spurning Thomas. It felt awful, even worse knowing he’d likely spend his eternity knowing the one he loved did not feel so. After 7 days had gone by, the Captain had appeared in Thomas’s doorway. He was the opposite of a poet, snippy and concise, even going so far as to ignore Thomas’s weary eyes while he spoke the words, “Thomas, I enjoy your company and I indeed believe I will for the remainder of my death, I do love you.” And as the last words were emitted from the Captain’s mouth Thomas sighed and wept and hugged David.

“And I, you.”

From a bit after that day, they had what one would call a relationship, although they themselves had not. Thomas figured he had all of eternity to be with the Captain, why put a label on his love? It wasn’t as if he could marry the man.

Evening fell, ambiguous autumn evening:  
The beauties, dreamers who leaned on our arms,  
Whispered soft words, so deceptive, such charms,  
That our souls were left quivering and singing.  
The Innocents, Verlaine

There were moments; moments when Thomas put on too much of a show for David’s taste and when the Captain was too curt for Thomas’s ears. Moments when the Captain had spent all day admiring this Adam and Thomas decided to sit in the lake.

It was overwhelming, to be fair, when your partner knowingly looks infatuated with another while your enemy from a long-lost life is here to indirectly mock you. He knows it’s not actually Byron. He knows he’s being irrational. But, oh, how it hurts.

So he announces he’ll drown himself in the lake with the full knowledge he cannot savour the release of death twice. He marches powerfully - he hopes, maybe it’ll capture the Captain’s attention for one damned second - out the door, but walks at a slow, solemn, sober pace towards the lake. Once there, he sits on the edge for a moment; dips his feet into the water. He can’t get wet, but something about it is oddly soothing - taking time for himself to clear his head. After a while, he simply jumps into the water and submerges his head. It’s not dying, but it’s something akin to wanting to. He can see perfectly clearly, and it’s refreshing to be alone for once. It all gets too much, at times, all the fighting and noises and so, so many people. But it’s nice, like this. He doesn’t have to think and he doesn’t have to perform.

“Thomas?”

It’s been 4 hours. He doesn’t feel like responding.

“Thomas, darling, I can see you.”

“I know.”

“Can you come out? I want to talk to you.”

Thomas sighs internally. He knows he’s being unreasonable. That doesn’t mean he necessarily wants to stop, though. So he stays where he is.

David walks closer towards the lake and sits down where Thomas was. He’s squatting, his knees have cracked.

“Put your feet in. It’s calming.”

The Captain sighs, but concedes, “What’s wrong?”

“It’s all a bit much, Byron, Adam, the fact I am the way I am. I know you don’t like it, and I’m sorry, but I genuinely cannot help it. I’ve tried to be less, less histrionic, but it is to no avail. And I have tried to change, I do think I can be serious, it’s just- there are so many things to be sad about and it overwhelms me. But I can be serious. I can be, and I can be powerful and I can be whatever you want me to be, I simply want my feelings to be reciprocated. And I cannot change that I am ‘a poetic dandy’.”

“Thomas. Thomas, darling mine, you don’t need to change. I know how you are, boy, do I know, I’ve known you for maybe 80 years now, and I wouldn’t have accepted your advances had I not loved you as dearly as I do. You are wonderful, to me. Your feelings are reciprocated, you know this. I just saw some of myself in Adam, a bit. And, to be completely honest, as we are, he is attractive, but not as attractive as I see you to be. Alas, I wish I was more youthful, I wish I was still alive. I wish I held that power. Yet, I’m glad to be a ghost, now, because I’ve got you by my side.”

Thomas half wants to start weeping once again. 

He truly does love the Captain, wholeheartedly. And he supposes that it is returned.


End file.
